A Genetic Disposition, or a Personal Responsibility?

Before I write this, let me precursor this by saying how much I love my mom and dad, along with the rest of my family. This is going to be true, honest, and raw – but necessary.   

My whole life I feel I have been fighting the genetic disaster known as obesity.  My dad is about 150 lbs. over weight, my mom not nearly as much, but has fought the battle just as long as me.  If we follow my dad’s family line – my uncle was 500 lbs. when he had quite a bit of his stomach removed along with his hunger gland.  He’s now about the same weight as my dad.  Their family members have died from obesity.  So my whole life, I have known our family is overweight.  I have had this nagging buzz in my head my entire life telling me I can never be thin; I can never have that lifestyle.   My brother and I constantly talk about how we want nothing more than to be back to our healthy weight (both of us have been there at one time).

I bring all this up because for as long as I can remember, weight has always been a joke in my house.  No one really has wanted to face it head on.  No one has ever wanted to take the bull by the horns and do everything by the horns. We laugh that we continue to eat cinnamon rolls, pancakes, and sugary desserts - while others eat much more nutrient-focused foods. My dad now has diabetes, and he often laughs about it as he consumes another glass of fruit juice, or has that next sweet snack.  I know that laughter and joking is his defense mechanism, and as he says, he doesn't want to live his life in limitations.  He has sleep apnea, diabetes, and has little to no energy - all things that could be drastically reduced by losing the weight and living a healthier life.  I wish I could have a heart-to-heart with him (don’t get me wrong, I've tried), and explain to him how much clean eating can really change his energy levels.  He just won’t give up carb-laden foods that give him that instant gratification.   Now let’s back track about 30-35 years – my dad used to be 3% body fat and was on his way to being an Olympic swimmer.  So, that whole thing about genetics, it can’t be true, right?  Every time I leave my parent’s house I’m sad.  Of course I’m sad because I enjoy all the time I can spend with them, but more importantly because I worry about their health and would do anything to get them the nutrition and exercise support they truly need.  It’s just so hard to be a part of that from afar.  It’s even harder to help someone change their life that doesn't want to change.

While at my parent’s house this weekend, I began diving into the book The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy.  When I first started this journey, John told me to check out this book, and it would really help me in this reflective process.  He also told me he really wanted me to do each of the activities involved in the reflective process.  Okay, John – I’m not going to lie, I have been doing the reflective activities, but I haven’t put them on paper.  However, I got through chapter 4 and realized just how important it is for me to actually mentally, verbally, and physically go through this process.  So this week, I am actually back tracking on this whole book, and I’m moving forward.  

While reading this book, I have realized just how much I really do sabotage myself, and I have been using excuses for the last 5 years.  So I got hurt, it wasn't the end of the world – our life isn't about the things that happen to us, it is about how we react.  It is one of the things I tell my students every single day.  When everything hits the fan, it’s how you recover that defines your character.  I haven’t done too well on taking care of my physical self – I let myself go because it was easier to do that than it was to pick myself up off the ground (literally), and put in the work.  I have to begin taking responsibility for my life, every part of my life. I must take responsibility.

So for the next few days, I’ll be sharing my activities, love it if others want to join along – I recommend this book to anyone looking to improve any aspect of their life! This quote has been ringing in my head all weekend, and I am so glad I can use it moving forward.  “If I always took 100 percent responsibility for everything I experienced – completely owning all of my choices and all the ways I responded to whatever happened to me – I held the power.  Everything was up to me.  I was responsible for everything I did, didn't do, or how I responded to what was done to me.”  Ponder that for a bit… it hits hard when working on transforming myself.  Is it really genetics playing its part, or is it my lack of personal responsibility holding me back?  From this point forward, I have to believe it's responsibility.

So, thank you, John Heringer of Fast Action Training.  I really appreciate you urging to me read this book.  It’s definitely already changing my outlook.

Goals for a Healthier Me

It seems as though these should have been what I started with, but I think I had to get going to realize what I really wanted out of this.  

So here it is, and not in any particular order:

• 30 lbs by Dec 31st
• Under 30% body fat
• Under 30 minute 5K
• Run (without walking) a full 10K
• Eat clean 90% of the time
• Cardio 3-4x per week
• Strength Training 3x per week
• Get rid of this god awful roll I have in my stomach
• Have my defined legs back 
• Stay positive

A Different Perception

Well, it's been a few days since I've written - and honestly, it's because I have been gone/busy all weekend.  On Friday, I actually did get up to go to a 7:30 bootcamp, and then I got home and went for my 1.5 mile run.  I ran it 3 minutes faster than I did on Monday.  I was ecstatic, however my Nike+ app didn't want to sync.  It hasn't been syncing for awhile, which is aggravating.

Anyhow, the wedding was absolutely beautiful.  I thought I did fairly well in terms of eating/drinking at the wedding (it helps when I drive everywhere).  I only had two glasses of wine - and anyone that has been to an open bar wedding knows just how incredibly hard this can be.  It was buffet options for food.  So, I decided to stick with a large cesar salad, very little of the grilled veggies because they looked as tho they were soaked in butter, and two pieces of tri-tip.  I have a pretty big dairy issue, so it was easy to say no to the chicken smothered in a cream sauce.  I had a great night dancing the night away, even got those 10,000 steps in!

As for Saturday, this was a bit rougher.  We went wine-tasting in Napa, which is always a wonderful time.  We did a cave tour at Del Dotto Winery, and once again, I offered to be the driver so I wouldn't be tempted to drink.  I just feel they are unnecessary calories at this point.  I took my apple, almonds, and turkey jerky with me, just in case I needed some snacks (which I did).  I felt that it was proper planning, and not something I would have done a month ago.  Hell, skipping the drinks isn't something I would have done a month ago.  We had a great dinner, I order a BLT on wheat bread with an egg, and a side of Brussel sprouts.  Did I mention how much I love brussel sprouts?? Haha!  I had a pastry from my favorite bakery there, Model Bakery, highly recommend it!

Sunday was a bit better, had a good breakfast in the morning, had a salad from Plutos while we were out and about, and then the rest of my BLT for dinner.

On Monday, I got up, went to bootcamp at 5:30 AM at F.A.T. and then went to work.  I'm trying to work out my schedule to make sure it will all work out.  I wanted to run last night, but just couldn't get motivated.  I need to have a recording of Sue of John yelling at me to get off the couch and get moving.  Maybe that would help.

This morning, I said I was going to try and do my cardio in the morning, since I have a soccer game tonight.  This was to see which one I would actually feel better doing in the morning.  Yah, I'm sticking to bootcamp, I didn't get out of bed to run.  FAIL.  So, I'm going to go to boot camp this afternoon - and then soccer tonight.  I honestly feel so guilty for my laziness the past couple of days.  I know my food hasn't been far off - just the exercise.  I have to find the motivation somewhere.

When I don't exercise, I automatically just look at myself differently.  I see a different person when i look in the mirror.  I see all the bumps, curves, and issues I don't want to see.  However, when I exercise I see my strength, I see definition (even if it might not be there), and I see hope.  I don't like the feeling of failure or what I perceive myself to be.  It's definitely something I need to focus on.  Later tonight I will be doing a blog just regarding my goals I would like to accomplish.  Hopefuly, that will be a motivating factor.  

Feeling a bit tired

Well, my mom-in-law was here last night, which kept me from writing yesterday - so I'll give an update.  I always enjoy the time spent with family, so its wonderful, just doesn't always work with my journey.  Still a great night either way :).

Yesterday had some highs and some lows.  Highs - I pretty much cleaned out my entire classroom, and I'm ready to move into my new office.  I was moving so much, I hit my 10,000 step goal by 1:00.  I had lunch with my bestie afterwards... we went to Panera where I had 1/2 a turkey BLT sandwich, and 1/2 a Cesar salad.  I was doing great.  

Then, I had dinner at an Austrian restaurant downtown Campbell.  I would say this is where I fell off the healthy-eating wagon.  I didn't a whole lot of anything, but I know everything I ate wasn't too great for me.  I thought I did fairly well when I only took a bite of the apple strudel - but my hubby's momma gave me some of my favorite cookies, and now I've eaten a couple of those - last night, and today.  I'm just going to have my hubby take them to work with him tomorrow.   

Anyhow, right now - my body is absolutely exhausted.  I'm going to head out for a short run in a bit - but my body is literally dragging.  I'm sure it has to do with the cookies I ate today or the fact I really haven't had a day off from working out in a long while. The run today is going to be difficult, as my running route at home (hometown-Stockton) was the scene of a tragic ending of bank robbery yesterday.  A mother was simply getting cash out of the bank, left her daughter in the car (12 years old), and the bank robbers took the mother and two other women hostage, driving through town - ending in a massive shootout, where she was tragically killed.  To think a place that once brought me such serenity is suddenly a terrible crime scene, just pains my heart.  It pains my heart that a daughter now has to live without her mom... just not a fair world we live in.

As for my weekend, we have a wedding to go to tomorrow night, and wine tasting in Napa the day afterwards.  I'm finding it hard to be excited about these kind of events when all I worry about is food, what I'm putting in my body, if I'm getting enough exercise, etc.  How do I combat that? I'll be going to boot camp in the morning on both days, but I still feel so guilty if I don't eat well.  

Any help from anybody reading out there, I will gladly take!  This is where I feel I always fall off the wagon.  When life happens, and I don't want to be "that girl", but I want to treat my body the way it deserves to be treated.  At this point, I know I need to put myself first for awhile, but I do struggle in social settings.  So any tidbits of advice would be great help!  Until this weekend... 

Update before I head to sleep:  I actually took the night off from running, got some work done instead. I honestly think my body just thanked me for that, because I'm ready to head to sleep and head to bootcamp in the morning, I'll get my run in before or after that instead. Much better place now! Sometimes rest is all you need I guess. :)

Welcome to the Real World

Found these words the other day - I'm a follower of many fitness inspirations on Instagram - and they really sunk in.  For so long I have said, "this isn't fair". I have to work so hard to be healthy - but I need to see it as something other than a punishment.  I AM worth this fight.  

Well, as of today - I have officially been handed the keys to my new office and school.  It was all too surreal sitting down with the principal of the school, along with looking at the four walls I will be in the next year.  It really is incredibly weird still, and I am sure it will take awhile to get used to.  

Anyhow, I realized today just how hard this journey is really going to be with this new job.  Just today I went in for a meeting, and thank goodness I took my snacks with me.  I had no clue how long I was going to be there, and I ended up being out of the house until 2:30 or so.  Normally, I would have grabbed something that I consider a healthier alternative, Chipotle, because I can get a salad bowl.  However, today I was ready and armed with my snacks of a banana, turkey jerky, and almonds.  This got me through the day until I got home to have a lunch I had prepped on Sunday. As you can see, it's very basic - I'll get more creative as I go on.  P.S. I LOVE Brussel sprouts!

Not only is the food going to be a tough tackle, so is a workout regimen.  Even the 5:30 AM workouts are going to be a bit rough.  I have to be at work between 7:30 and 7:45.  By the time I get home from those workouts it's 6:30, and that leaves me very little time to get showered, eat breakfast, lunch prepped, and out the door.  This is where that meal prepping is going to come in SO necessary.  I'm not going to get an option here.  Many of you may think, oh, why not go to an afternoon workout.  Well, by the end of the day working any job, let alone one with teenagers, I will be exhausted - still needing to do a bit of cardio. 

I think I just got a bit overwhelmed to be honest of how I'm going to handle this. I'm not going to lie, I wish I could be part of a Extreme Weight Loss opportunity, just so I could hide away and get things settled for the first 3 months. Realistic, no.  Desirable, yes.  

For the rest of my posts, I'm going to start looking for three positive pieces to my day - one thing I would like to work on, and ultimately - how I'm doing with my goals.

Take Aways:

• Not from today - but today, I realized just how helpful my meal prep from Sunday really is. 
• I really do love working out, even early in the morning - it's still an awesome part of each day
• I haven't felt this clear-headed in months.  So, one thing I have forgotten to add is that I'm eating fairly clean for the most part.  I would say at least 80-90% clean.  I've noticed, I'm not in any kind of brain-fog during the day when I do this.  Seriously, if you haven't gone clean - I recommend it highly.  I now remember why, I changed my eating habits this direction last year.
• Live Dave Matthews Band being streamed on Yahoo right now - connected to Apple TV so I can watch it on the big screen while I write this.

Something to work on:

• Time management
• Positivity through this journey, especially within the unknown

Goals:

• I think I really need to work on making a true list of all of my goals for the next year, months, weeks, etc.  This will be my goal for the next week.  My first weigh-in is tomorrow, and hopefully this will help direct me!

Finding the Inner Fight...

Five years ago I was the healthiest I had been since college.  I was running daily, biking at least three times a week, and playing soccer three times a week as well.  I thought I had it all together.  I can't say I was happy with the weight I was at, but I can say I was extremely happy with how fit and strong I was.  I was 165 lbs, and on a 5'2" frame that's still pretty heavy, but I was confident in my abilities. At my happiest/healthiest weight, I was 145 pounds (2004).  You see, my whole life I had been fit.  I was a competitive swimmer, soccer player, and water polo player.  I often did double days, and although I have never been the "skinny-minny", I have always been one strong ass girl.  So what happened to the girl from 2004?  How did I gain 70lbs in 10 years???

                              2004                         2014                                   2014

Back to five years ago, I was playing one of my many soccer games - and BAM! Just like that, I was taken out by the goalie and suffered an MCL tear and a lateral tibial plateau fracture. Basically what that means is, my femur bone crushed into my tibia bone, crushed it, chipped it, and displaced it.  Needless to say, I was taken out of my every day healthy and active lifestyle in a matter of minutes.  My life changed that day.

For the next four months, I wasn't even allowed to put my foot on the ground.  I underwent surgery, and I spent my life sitting on the couch or out drinking and eating with friends.  I had every intent of this injury not letting me be sidelined in my social life.  So I was the girl that would crutch her way into the bar throwing em back with the best.  That packed on 30 lbs, quickly - and was extremely hard to get off - okay it still hasn't come off.

Fast forward to one year later, beginning of 2010, I was out to show the world and my doctor I would be able to run a 10K, my first 10K within a year of my surgery.  Something he said I couldn't done. Little did he know the fire he sparked.  I quit drinking completely as my new years resolution, and I began a strict running regimen.  I ran every day, added in some cross training - and on a year to the day, I ran that 10K.  I was beyond proud.  I met my now husband 2 weeks later, and now I'm the happiest I have ever been in my life.  But I'm the unhealthiest I have ever been as well.  The question is, where did the inner fight to be fit and strong go?  

I am opening myself up to this journey, because something has to be done.  I want to have a family, and I do not want to be held back by my weight. I want to be confident and be able to walk into any store and not fear looking at the mirror while I try things on.  I want to be able to run down the street again in my soccer shorts and tank top (I haven't done that since my surgery).  

Through this journey, I'll share my triumphs, defeats, and everything in between.  I'll be working on creating a consistent cardio regimen, and focusing strongly on my nutrition - all while being coached weekly by Sue at Fast Action Training (F.A.T.).  I'll be bold - sharing personal photos, food photos, and more emotions than I may even be ready for.     

My ultimate goal is to lose the weight (I'd like to be 160 again - currently 217), find my inner "bad-ass" (as my soccer team would say), and get back the active lifestyle as well.  I start a new job as Vice Principal of a middle, as of today - and while I go through this journey, hopefully I can inspire those around me to do the same.  Here's to finding the inner fight I lost so long ago and losing everything that held me back.